Don’t Change That Channel! (Because it won’t do any good!) by Fletcher Hammond Editor’s Note for the Humor-Impaired: The following column is a work of satire and is written for the sole purpose of highlighting humorous cultural differences. This is not intended to insult anyone of Asian ancestry. So don’t take it that way. In the past few decades, China has made great strides in becoming a more technologically advanced society. Everyone and their dog has a cell phone in China (and just like in America, they talk on them too loud, and they always ring at the most inappropriate times), bowling allies and discos are popping up all over the place (sometimes together), and then there’s the ultimate sign of a civilized nation: all their young men are addicted to online gaming. There is, however, one area where China is severely lacking; one area where, unless they pick up the slack, they will forever remain a ‘developing nation.’ That area is entertainment. Admittedly, I’m not the most discriminating person when it comes to entertainment. After all, I regularly tuned into UPN (a.k.a. BET-2) and most of my favorite shows got canned before the season was done (ever heard of The Mullets? Didn’t think so). So for me to be critical of entertainment, you know it’s got to be bad. And in China it’s bad. Real bad. In terms of movies, China doesn’t do too bad. Much like Hollywood, mainland China manages to crank out several hundred movies a year, of which there are usually two that are worth watching. Where they fail miserably is in the area of television. Most of the channels in China (almost all of which are apparently run by the government) seem to be perpetually showing soap operas, but they aren’t your typical soap operas. Most of them are set in ancient China (which is kind of cool because they have swords), the costumes look like they were made by blind children, and you don’t even have to understand Chinese to know that the acting is horrible. There are three channels which provide a respite from this horrendous abasement of China’s beautiful historical heritage. The first is the all-English, all-news, all-the-time channel. I count this as a relief only because it doesn’t show any Chinese soap operas, and it’s all in English. Kind of. I used to try to watch the news on this channel, but eventually I was driven insane by their lead anchor (who’s name sounds very similar to one of my favorite Chinese dishes, incidentally). He’s a nice enough guy, but his accent was killing me. This guy is what I like to call a Triple Threat: A Chinese person who was taught English by the British and who has a speech impediment. I’m sure he’s a hit with the ladies, though. The second channel is the Cultural Channel. Sometimes you hit a jackpot and get a nice symphony or ballet. And sometimes you get Beijing Opera. Now, Beijing Opera is supposedly world-famous but for the life of me, I can’t figure out why. It is, without a doubt, the most hideous form of entertainment ever devised. The instrumentation and vocal performing cannot possibly be construed as ‘music’; unless, of course, you define ‘music’ as a chorus of cats being dissected alive, which is pretty much what it sounds like. I’m fairly certain this was originally created as a form of torture. However, I am willing to admit that perhaps a) I have no taste and/or b) my Western ear has no appreciation for Asian tonality. I doubt this though, as I have yet to find even one Chinese person who will admit they enjoy Beijing Opera. The third channel is their sports channel. This is where I thought I would find my solace from the dysfunction of Chinese entertainment; after all, what could they possibly do to ruin sports? Much, I learned. Much indeed. When I first arrived in China the Olympics were still in full swing. It was interesting to watch what got the ‘primetime’ slots (badminton and table tennis) and what was relegated to the ‘midnight to six a.m.’ slot (basketball and track events). It was interesting in August. But now, in January, I’m getting a little tired of watching the ping pong gold medal round. I mean, it’s exciting and all . . . the first 20 times you watch it, but five months of reruns? You’re killing me! In their defense (and thanks to Yao Ming) they do air a lot of NBA games over here. The rest of the time, however, seems to be a programming line-up that even ESPN 8: The Ocho would turn down. I mean, I thought basketball couldn’t be more dull than the WNBA, but the Women’s Basketball Association of China has proven me wrong. What’s great is when they move from the boring to the down-right weird. The headline program this past weekend was what could best be described as ‘Sports for Girls Who Couldn’t Do Anything Else.’ There were four events, all of them were quasi-ballet numbers set to music. I say ‘quasi-ballet’ because in each round they added a different random object. In the first round, they danced with a hoola-hoop, the second was a rubber ball, the third a stick with a long ribbon attached, and the final item was a set of maracas. All of the items were tossed high into the air while the girls performed grotesque contortions of their torsos. And to add to the excitement, it was the Baltic States Qualifier. Wahoo. I’d never seen so many ugly women in one place. I’m sure they all had great personalities, though. So I’d like to thank you, China, for completely destroying my love of television. I guess now I’ll have to go find one of those things . . .what are they called? Oh yeah: books.