The Beauty of Socialism—Part II I know that my readers have been anxiously awaiting the conclusion of my riveting commentary on the wonder that is socialism. So, since I don’t want to let either of you down, here we go! For those of you who are just joining us, let’s refresh a little bit on what employment is like in China. First off, the goal is never, ever to be efficient. If you’re efficient that just puts other hard-working Chinese out of work, and we can’t have that, now can we? So you’ve got over a billion people all needing work, and you’ve got to find a way to give them jobs. The solution? Make stuff up. For example, probably one of my favorite jobs in all of China is The Crossing Guard. That’s right: The Crossing Guard. I don’t know about you, but back in the day when I was in elementary school, I was a crossing guard. And man was it cool. In retrospect, we were all nothing but tools. I mean, really—we had the ‘honor’ of being crossing guards, which meant we had to show up at school half an hour early. As if that isn’t bad enough, we had to snitch on any kids who crossed illegally. I’m really surprised I didn’t get beat up a whole lot more than I did, come to think of it. I guess all the students had been brainwashed into the whole crossing guard thing. If you were a crossing guard, man you were in. All of a sudden people wanted to be your friend, the teachers treated you with more respect, you got more bathroom passes than other kids; it rocked. Plus, you got to wear those cool badges. In China, though, being a crossing guard doesn’t seem as cool. I mean, they get cool uniforms and all, with hats and badges and everything, but it’s the kind of job for a person with a death wish. You see, the guards are positioned right in the middle of the road—they ride the yellow stripes. Theoretically, standing on a pair of solid yellow lines is the safest place in the world. But not in China. I really lack adequate words to describe what driving is like in China. Let me try to paint you a picture, though. Take Dale Earnhart, Jr., but take away his clear vision and ability to shift gears smoothly. Then have him snort a pound of crack. Multiply that by 1.3 billion, and that’s what driving is like in China. And these guys stand right in the middle of it all. Talk about nerves of steel. I figured these dudes must be pretty important, right? So I asked a student about them. Me: So, those crossing guard guys must really have a lot of authority. Student: Huh? No, not really. Pretty much all they can do is blow their whistle at you when you don’t use the crosswalk. Me: Really? So like, they can’t arrest you? Student: No way; they’re not police. Me: Can they write me a ticket? Student: I don’t think so. Me: So they just get paid to stand there and yell at people, right? Student: Pretty much. Me: Genius. A close study of most of these crossing guards reveals that most of them are about 14 years old, and are probably making about 25 cents a day. That doesn’t exactly inspire one to greatness, now does it? I actually once say a crossing guard with an umbrella in one hand (the sun was shining) and a book in the other. Hard at work. While we’re on the topic of people getting paid to do nothing, let’s take a look at the many trucks in China that are for hire. When walking down a street in China, you will often come across a row of 10 to 20 trucks, just sitting there with the drivers lounging inside. These are entrepreneurs who are in possession of their own vehicle and will gladly hire it out to you for whatever your need may be—for a modest fee, of course. The thing is, I’ve never actually seen any of them going anywhere. More often than not, they stay lined up all day, just sitting in the cab smoking and waiting. I commented to a Chinese person that it must be really hard to make a living that way. They assured me that it wasn’t. Apparently the government subsidizes them so that even if they don’t get one job all day, they’ll still get paid. That’s a sweet deal. I mean, what could be better than not working and still getting paid? I’m telling you: the Democrats would love this place. The longer I stay here the more I think that the DNC is just a front for the American Communist Party. There is one area, however, where having a bazillion people comes in handy. That is the service industry. In China, you never have to refill your drink. The reason? As soon as you get close to being empty, a nice server swoops in and tops you off. At most restaurants, there will be two servers for every one customer. You really don’t have to do much in a Chinese restaurant—they even put the food on your plate for you! They also take care of clearing your table—even at places like McDonalds! I was told that if I clear my own try at McD’s, I could cost someone their job. Yikes! The other day I went to eat with a friend of mine, and she brought her baby along. I was kind of worried—after all, I’d never seen a high chair in China. As soon as we got there, I learned I had nothing to worry about. Within two minutes, one of the server girls came over and took the baby. I thought American girls liked babies, but let me tell you, it’s nothing compared to how much Chinese girls like babies. I guess it’s because they’re only allowed to have one, but these woman passed that baby around for over two hours and loved it. They were making stupid faces, weird noises and bouncing the kid around like he was on a pogo stick. Even the men wanted to play with the baby! Now when was the last time you saw an American man who actually wanted to play with some stranger’s baby? I think American guys are too afraid we’re going to break it to want to play with it. Another area where you never have to do anything for yourself is at the gas station. I remember the first time we stopped at a gas station I was a little surprised that the driver didn’t get out. He just sat there. It was then that I learned that gas stations in China are like pit stops on the Indy 500—as soon as your wheels stop moving, your vehicle is swarmed by women: one pumps the gas, one checks under the hood, one washes your windows, and one offers hot water and cigarettes to all the passengers. And as you drive away, they all stand behind and watch you drive away, doing the beauty pageant wave. It’s great. I’d like to close with one area of service that is really more annoying than it is helpful. When you go shopping for clothes or shoes, the Chinese are a little too helpful. I went to buy some shoes not too long ago, and it’s bad enough that they immediately start recommending you buy the most expensive shoes in the store (after all, I’m white which means I must be loaded). What’s more annoying is that as soon as you sit down to try the shoes on, they rush in and start untying your shoe laces and removing your shoes for you. Then they put the new shoes on for you and lace them up. Now I don’t know about you, but I think I’m old enough to put on my own shoes, and I really prefer to do it myself. But just like McDonald’s, you offend them and risk them getting fired if you don’t let them help you put the shoes on. And that’s exactly why I will never go shopping for pants in China.